Artist's Way - Week One
So a good friend of mine recently invited a bunch of her friends to work through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way in a little online group. A brief summary of my experience so far:
- I am the only male among the dozen or so of us.
- The previous point regularly flip-flops between "no big deal" and "biggish deal" for reasons I do not yet understand
- Daily Pages are just as hard as I remember them being
And why am I telling you this? Because I am subjecting you, my readers, (yes, all 5 of you ... hi mom) to part of my weekly check in! I will be unpacking my experience here because it seems appropriate somehow.
Week One - Restoring a Sense of Safety
I had naively hoped that I could ease into this book, this little group of creative folk. I made the assumption that all self-help books first educate their reader: "This is the problem you face, in detail." Then, the authors lay out their solution: "This is why you bought the book. Five steps to overcome problem." Not so with Julia Cameron. Right away, I am being asked to face and deal with issues that sneak around the core of my heart with barely a warning.
So I was surprised, which is pretty funny, because I've read this book before.
Twice.
But here I am, shocked and horrified that this woman I don't know is asking me to look at my internal dialog and see what it has to say about me. Personally, I found myself relating to Paul, a student of Cameron's, and his experience with his internal "Censor". In short, I treat myself with very little respect or hope. I have given my "Censor's" voice free reign in my head and it gets ugly in there.
"I am a pretender."
"My only real talent is my ability to be mediocre at everything.
"I've got no sense of visual composition or color."
"I'm good at solving problems, not at creating."
"I am certainly no artist."
"My writing is atrocious."
...
And so on. The language Cameron uses to describe this stream of thought is "blurts" - negative judgments or core beliefs that poluute our own thinking. Her cure is to use affirmations to turn blurts on their heads. Using the same list above:
"I am genuinely gifted."
"I am blessed with broad interests and skills"
"I know what good design looks like and create it in my work."
"My problem-solving skills are children of my innate creativity. Everything is an opportunity for creative thought."
"I am an artist that utilizes varied medium"
"My writing is authentic, honest, and draws people in"
...
If you could only hear the protests in my head -- accusations of lying, calling Cameron into question on any number of issues, analysis on the insanity of 'positive thinking'. This simple exercise is grueling for me. Finding positive things to say about myself, about my abilities and desires to create, is an exhausting uphill climb. But rather than being a Sisyphean nightmare (+1 for Greek mythology reference), this climb feels like it may be leading somewhere. I can make progress on this thing.
I think that this practice of changing my Blurts to Affirmations is a practice I need to carry with me into the weeks that follow. I am battling years of self-condemnation (self-loathing? self-flagellation? self-degradation? Probably, yes on all counts) and for the sake of my soul I need to start fighting back.
Here's hoping Week 2 doesn't kill me.
